sue... sue shells sea-sellsby the she-shore. toy boat, toy boyt, toy boyt, toyboyt, toy boyt, toy boyt, toy boyt. unique new york, new-ique new york,new york, new-ique 'nique nork. my crotch fell. knocked over the crotch. i should move this. petunia. petunia. hey. it's me, tom slansky, on whatcould turn out to the be the
biggest night of my life. "why?" you ask. have you ever heard of...d of... vampires? "no, no, tom. they're fake, thethings of fairy tales." you, okay? sorry, mom, for the "" a little bit about me... i'm asophomore at hawthorne college.
i'm majoring in photography. uh, my favorite thing toshoot is the female form. but this story's not about me...this is about dr. g, the... and guess what...he's a vampire. "oh, a vampire that teaches history...that's counterintuitive." you again, man. once upon a time, dr. g fell in love...with a human named mary. get a chamber! no.
but then, this one time inmary's bedchamber, they were in there, and it was getting late,but they didn't care, and they were all over each other. and then the sun wentdown, and he bit her. aah! he killed the love of his life. everyone was pissed. her family didn't even lethim come to the funeral... just 'cause he killed her.
good thing he's a genius anddressed up like friar tuck and snuck in to see her. thief! gretzky! i never meant to hurt her. the devil himself disguisedas a man of the cloth. don't be a fool, gregor. ohh! you'll rot in hell,wayne gretzky.
you'll rot in hell! i'm already there. he just kicked gregor's ass,but did you notice that his teeth didn't grow? ever since mary died,his teeth went limp. goodbye, mary. so, for the last 300 years,dr. g has been wandering the earth with his flaccid fangs,surviving on nothing more than animal blood... thatis, until a few months ago.
you know, vampire impotence is justanother facet of human impotence. i am not impotent. your teeth won't grow. what would you call it? i just think thecomparison may be useful. well, in what way? well, your impotence began whenyou killed the love of your life. sorry, herman. ooh. bleeder.
say "hello" to mary. no, it's not uncommon for amurderer to become impotent... because it's usually... my god. what is up your butt, wayne? you know, maybe this wholething would work better if we were just friends. better for who? not for you... youneed help, my friend. i know, but no one hasexperience with this stuff.
i have experience with people, andyou look just like a person to me. only, if i do my job right,we're gonna have you looking more like a demon. we don't look like demons. on "buffy," you do. in real life, we don't. well i'm still learning. there's not a lot of hardevidence on your breed. the only reference i haveis pop culture, okay?
but, in any case, i'm, uh,i'm glad you trust me. i am, too. so, who's chris' advisor? dr. levine, i think. but he smellslike homemade bread. ugh! look, we caught a largemouth ass. more like a largemouth dick. what?
fred, where's your girlfriend? she's not my girlfriend. just admit...she doesn't exist. and when the sun goesdown, you guys get gay. just admit that you smelllike shit a-all day long. ♪ ghost-penning songs forbig-hair aristocrats ♪ ♪ now she lies in aplush, velvet bed ♪ ♪ shaped like a coffinand filled with bats ♪ i think i'm justgonna wait in the car.
♪ i'm smitten and... ♪ i'm sorry. i forgot my hat. oh, you're such a bitch! chris. no, ted. ♪ night blooming ♪ ♪ and she bites through necks... ♪ she's right.
♪ ...like ginsu ♪ ♪ a sweet, sweet heartkiller ♪ no, no, no, no. there's... there's nothing wrongwith a freshman being undeclared. it's difficult to know what youwant to do with the rest of your life when you're only 18. i'm 19. oh. were you held back? what's that supposed to mean?
why would you say that? yes? ah, speak of the vampire. speak of the devil. he's not a vampire. um, i've beenreading "twilight." all i can thinkabout is vampires. that was not... gretzky’s, uh...he's not a vampire. he's a hell of a history teacher.
he seemed a bit scared. he was... but in a good way. the students just love him. uh, apparently those vampirescan have sex all night long. how do you like that edward, hmm? i don't read that shit. chris, please. what, dad? this is college.
you can say "shit" here. that's right, ted. some of our professors use theword "shit" in their lectures. well, they shouldn't. you're right...they shouldn't. i'll look into that. enough said. i just think you shouldloosen up a little bit, dad. it's just...it's the language.
i know, but it's college, dad...college. uh. fred! hey, hey, chris. hey, hey! hi. hi! beautiful. hey, i like your hair.
i cut it. yeah, it looks good. not good enough. uh, mr. keller. fred, please. sorry... ted. uh, guys, uh, this is chrisand her father, ted. uh, these are myfraternity brothers. this is jared.boom.
- and this is kyle...- hey. knuckles. and tom. wow. great to meetyou guys, really. uh, i got to go, honey, so...okay. mwah! mwah!mm! fred, take care ofmy little girl, okay? i will do her. uh, i'll... i-i-i will do it.
i'll take... i'lltake care of her. so, chris, are youpledging with anyone? yeah, with, uh, kappa omicron. kappa o’s are the biggest hos! unh! well, which ones areyou guys in, again? we're stds. stds, gonna give you the disease. we're sigma tau delta.
hey, it's the great one. why does he have an umbrella? he's got a skin disease,and he's cool as shit. that's dr. gretzky. oh, that's him? yeah, he teaches history. remember, i tried to getyou to take that class? yeah. yeah, yeah.
i-i mean, i guess i'll add it. yeah, my advisor saideverybody loves him. he's awesome. your advisor talked about him? yeah, you know, he walked intomy advisor's office, and he goes, "speak of the vampire." "speak of the vampire"? this is history 205. i'm your professor, dr. gretzky.
who's here to add the class? i must be popular. professor gretzky, i'm sure youget this all the time, but were you named afterwayne gretzky? i was named wayne gretzkylong before wayne gretzky was named wayne gretzky. i'm pretty surehe's older than you. he's like 50. i'm not named after him.
he wishes. wayne gretzky wasn't evenin the nhl when i was born. hasn't anyone ever heardof a coincidence?! it's okay, tom. sorry, dr. g. it's all right. we're going to covercoincidences in history. you know, you really upsetyour daughter today. i'm not gonna change my beliefs justbecause it's her first day of college.
you know, i've been meaningto ask you about that. you know ron from whole foods...well, he grew up amish, and he said the amish have no problemwith being out in the sun. and he has mirrors in his house. yeah, well, we don'tlike being photographed. you go to mass. my mother was catholic. mary, i don'tbelieve you're amish. i gave up believingthat years ago.
well, what do you think i am? i don't care. i always just wrote it off asslight neuroses... might be easier just to let it slide. you know what? if you're not careful, you're gonna loseyour relationship with your daughter. ted, there are things aboutme that i just can't change and that i don'tlike to talk about. i would think youshould understand that.
when was the last time youwanted to make love to me? that's not fair. don't worry. i just chalk it upto slight neuroses. so, he cuts the guy's armoff, but he doesn't beat him with it... he slaps himwith his own hand. genghis really did have awonderful sense of humor. i mean, he would... he actuallywould laugh the most during the physical act of love.
i remember one time when i was...when somebody wrote down, um, that he was entertaining a womanwith a leg-length discrepancy. as he pulled the boot off the shortleg, he just starts to laugh. all the men in the neighboringcaves start to laugh. when we all look... they alllook up, and they see genghis wearing the short-leg boot. "unh." oh, man, i miss him. i mean, uh, you know, i miss...i miss reading about him.
well, can't youstill read about him? um, yeah. yeah, i could... could. but, um, it... itwouldn't be the same. it wouldn't be as fun. as fun as what? is this going to be on a test? yes, everything i say isgonna be on the test. i'm kidding.
it's not gonna be on the test. but it's history. that's right, tom...it's history. i meant to tell you... i, um, ireally enjoyed your paper last semester about, uh,impotence among murderers. thank you. oh, yeah, yeah. i actually learned a lot. you did?
well, not aboutmyself, of course. i-i'll see you tuesday.sure. okay. bye. bye. i apologize. i was flustered. i had just insulted a student. i said what came to my mind. what happened todoctor/patient privilege?
i know, but, come on, likeanyone would ever believe it. we'll talk about this later. i got to get to class. how fast can you run the 40? what are you talking about? if i were a vampire,i'd be in the nfl. you'd make a hellof a free safety. i can't believe lorianne wantsto do a blood drive again. i mean, i want to do somethingdifferent, like maybe a plasma drive.
well, what's a plasma drive? chris, you are like thecoolest bitch i know. i mean, you are notafraid to ask questions. hey, fred. hey, chris. hey, have you met the...oh, hey, you guys, look... it's the great one. what was that about? i couldn't control it.
i mean, it was thesame way with mary. i could control myself during theday, but as soon as that sun - went down...- then all bets were off. ohh. 300 years of limp teeth and acouple of sessions with me... well, you're not cured,but, hey, come on. i mean, w-who is she? i'll tell you who she is...she is your vampire viagra. she is?
and i am your four-hourerection, baby... you know, until we get, uh,you vamping out on your own. i mean, it w-wasn'ta full vamp out. i mean, my teeth just barelyare starting to tingle. oh, tingle, schmingle. i mean, if you would have stayedaround here a while longer, you would have had this wholeschool scared shitless. oh, man, shelooked just like her. doesn't surprise me.
really? yeah, there... there are only somany available faces in this world. you were bound intorun into hers again. i once treated a young woman whowas the spitting image of my second wife... i mean,it was head to toe. it... almost costme my apa license. but... she was worth it, andso is this juicy peach. oh, it's weird not seeingyou and tom together. oh, yeah, well, he has barbershopat night, so didn't work out.
that's too bad. hey, uh, i wanted to ask you...when you came in the building, i thought you... you fell down. oh, yeah, that... that was,um, like a hundred bees. oh. okay, well, i'm gladyou're all right. i mean, you seemed pretty panicked, so...i just hate bees. professor gretzky? yes.
who are you? i'm chris keller. um, i'm not on your roll,but i was wondering... mm, yes, you want to clad my ass. you want to, um, add my class. uh, yeah. would that be all right? yes, of course. i was, uh... mnh.
excuse me. um, i just found outthat my mother died. um. class dismissed. oh. ah. poor guy's hysterical. dr. g. whoa. your breath is hot.
oh! oh! you're gay. gay? oh! aah. ugh. ♪ i've seen the light in my dark,sitting alone in the park ♪ ♪ the stillness of the breeze... ♪ poor barry. poor big, gay barry.
hey! got one for you! ♪ ...'cause you're muchmore important than them ♪ so, yeah, i think once shegets into her classes, like, she'll have more time tofocus on other stuff. like, i really hope shegets into dr. g’s class. - i think...- speak of the vampire! hey, chris told uswhat dr. levine said. what a d-bag.
yeah, isn't he? no, he's cool, though...and shit. whoa, dr. g. i didn't know you cussed. well, you know, i don't usually. it sounded really good. hey, uh, are you...are you okay? oh, yeah. what do you mean?
oh, i mean your mom...she passed away. pfft, no biggie. i mean, well, she's been dead for years...well, she's been dying for years, so i was ready. you just seemed really upsetwhen you went out of class. yeah. i didn't want themto harvest her organs. hey, uh, my friend chris... shereally wants to add your class. chris keller? uh, she's... she's smart.
she's... well, not book-smart. she's nice. she's... i think you're really,really gonna like her... and not in a sexual way,just a normal way. yes. no. no sexy sex. ah. so, i'm gonna go prepare...prepare for my students... not in a sexualway... for class. so... i'm gonna go.
i will see you two later...sexually. no sexy sex! ♪ barry, when i accidentallykilled you that night ♪ ♪ i wasn't quite myself ♪ ♪ i wasn't quite... ♪ come in. hello? wayne! aah! oh!
you got me. i'm... i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. i-i meant to, um... well, imeant to say "ta-da" when i-i jumped into the room, buti-i said your name instead. hey, too bad myname's not "ta-da." yeah. actually, well, i guessyou'd better be on your way. i mean, you know, well, after...after a quick, brief, but enjoyable minute or two.
and then... i'm sorry. i don't mean to be rude, but ihave to, uh, prepare for class. my god, you're beautiful...today, just as ever. um. brain fart! no, but what did you say? i said, "brain fart!" before that. um... i don't thinki said anything. mm.
oh, um, i-i grabbed it for youafter you ran out of class. i cleaned it. that's, um, that's prettysad about your mom. yeah. yeah, yeah. that whole thing...that was pretty bad. but, um... oh! ohh! there we go! wayne. wayne, are you okay?
no. i just peed my pants! you what? get out! okay. come back tomorrow. um, what time? the morning...morning's a good time. oh, it's gorgeous. so, who's your first victim?
i don't know. fred's girl's been vibingme pretty hard, eh? dude, don't be a jerk. well, quitpuppy-guarding her, dude. make a move or move on. dude, i've had like two days. give me a break. all i'm saying is she wantsme, and you're being selfish. i mean, honestly, what do youthink she'd rather look at,
boys... my naked butt cheeks or tom's saggy ass fallingout the top bunk? neither! you big dick. hey, come on. pass. king me again, sluts. she always does that. ♪ your red, red, red eyes ♪ scum, door... now.
♪ we could just havespread them lies ♪ i brought you some drinks. is that alcohol? no, energy drinks. excuse me, guys. ♪ over land and sea ♪ ♪ don't let them fool you ♪ did she say that was her mom? um, i know... morelike her twin sister.
she is wicked hot. bing! it's 2:00 a.m. yeah, i-i wantedto surprise you. how? by showing all myfriends how weird you are? well, i-i couldn't sleep. yeah, well, you never can. i hate all your amish shit. sometimes, people's amishshit isn't what you think.
if being amish is soimportant to you, then why didn't you raise me amish? i always wanted to teach youabout our ways, but it just... i-i didn't know how. you know, maybe i still can. no, you can't. i'm 19. it's too late. i don't care anymore. thanks for the drinks.
we got monster, bitches! yeah! whoo! hey, tom. yeah? do you really think kappao’s are the biggest hos? ever seen that clip on youtube? i don't know why shepledged with them. hi, honey.
cute shoes. did you make itdown to see chris? yeah, yeah, i did. how'd that go? stupid. honey. you have a rapport with her, ted. she hates my guts. why don't you sue me about it?
don't you wish you couldjust turn back the clock? how far? really far. yes, he is i. it... come in. come on in. whoa. what are you doing here? oh, i-i thought that messagemeant you wanted me to come. it is.
what can i do for you? ah, yes. the old "add" slip, the infamous...from before. the "add" slip. well, actually, chris, the nightclass is full right now, but there is an openingin the morning class. oh, the... the 10:30 one? yes, yes. um, it seems that barry pearsonwas in that class, and now he is
a missing person. yeah, that's awful. yeah, it is. but when god opens adoor, he opens a window. and now you can join that class. i-i-i hope i-i didn'tbreak any rules. rules? i mean, who makes rules? so, um... see you in class.
okay. i'll look for you. deal. i'll be teaching. pervert! it's for class! you pervert. hey, hey. it's chris. dude, ask her tothe party already. dude, don't you thinki'm gonna do that?
hey, guys, what's up? hey, chris. hey. uh, did you get intogretzky’s class? yeah, i did, but thatnight class was full. but, you know, i gotinto the morning one. sweet. that's my class. hey, fred flintstone! ow! you're supposedto catch it, dude.
you're such an ass. that really hurt. it was a love pass. speaking of love,chris, you look lovely. oh, and smelling so sweet. mm! well, it was goodto see you, chris. i don't want to catch you two fags'pudding in my bed again tonight. see you guys.
like he ever catches us. so, dude, when are you gonnaask her to the party? what... what... whatare you talking about? uh, chris, "the most beautifulgirl i've ever seen." dude. what are you guys talking about? ah, chewing the fat. just chewing the fat. fred.
you were gonnainvite me to a party? no. unh-unh. no. okay. well, i-i got to go buysome textbooks, but, uh, i will... i'll see you guys. see you in class. dude, what the hellwas that about? i wanted to talk to you abouther, but for some reason, i got it in my mind when jared andkyle left, i should just... don't you think you shouldhave waited till she left?
i'm so sorry, man. i'm as surprised as you are. every person that enteredinto that chamber unannounced was executed... swiftly, byeither sword or crossbow. luckily, for guinevere, that fatefulevening, there was a full moon. so, you're guinevere. as lancelot lay sleeping naked...let me just pop these off. just kidding. i can only do that to you.
as lancelot lay sleeping naked,he reached for a sword, and the moon shone down just at thattime, revealing her pale and only slightly blemished face. it was right then and there...lancelot knew he would risk everything... he'd risk hispower, his title, his rank... for that one forbidden evening,very long and naughty evening with that ginger-hairedbathsheba. yes! i thought camelotwas only a legend.
tom, you will learn in my classthat every legend begins with the truth and every real heromust risk everything to get what he most desires. so... ginger-hairedbathsheba, seat. naked lancelot...teacher, pants on. lecture resumes. ♪ chris, you're like a poorman's version of mary ♪ ♪ since mary's dead, i guessi'll take what i can get ♪ ♪ can't have mary'cause she's dead ♪
♪ but i'll take you, chris ♪ ♪ you don't haveto know about... ♪ whoa! trying to fix your guitar? nope. nope. i just broke this one, actually. you're not here to drop my classafter one lecture, are you? oh, no. i... that lecture was... it really...it really spoke to me.
i can't stop thinking about it. well, you know, what's funny isthat, um, it's really... it's really a misunderstoodlove story. what people don't know aboutking arthur was that he really was sort of a, uh... prick? awesome, right? and some people would call that disgusting because ofthe age difference. although, if they knew the realage difference, they'd be puking
all over each other. i'm proud of dr. g, though,because there are only two people in this world who looklike chris and her mom, and that's chris and her mom, andhe had sex with both of them. fred and i would just love torub up against them in a crowd. the only bad part about itis what it did to fred. do it. do it. hey, freddie prinze jr. hey, jared fromsubway commercials.
nice. hey, how do you personally feelabout chris tapping dr. g, just out of curiosity? not so bad, considering that'sthe stupidest rumor i've ever heard in my entire life. everybody knows they're doing it. just because they'realways locked in his office does not meanthey're having sex. i mean, it might,but... it doesn't.
dude, listen, we're justtrying to give you a heads-up. yeah, so don't be surprised ifyou see chris' name in my book. oh! his book of sexual conquest. she probably won't, fred! you guys are jerks. let's drink these. come on, chris. everyone knows you're getting some.why don't you just admit it?
because it's noneof your business. you're, like, in hisoffice every day. - yeah, talking about class...- mm-hmm. with our pants on. more like yourpants on each other. like... like, youguys swap them. i think we swapped pants. huh. oh. sex is so crazy.
has its moments. i need you to take meto the chiropractor. when she was 12, she told her dadshe probably wanted to marry me. how do you know that? he told me. ♪ believe me ♪ speak of the vampire. dr. g? yeah. and he's with chris.
♪ deceive me ♪ let me see. this is an expensive camera. ♪ i know you did ♪ dude, they'regetting into his car. ♪ i'm sorry ♪ ♪ we are all alone now ♪ ♪ together ♪ dude, dr. g ishumping your breezy.
she's not my breezy. she's nobody's breezy. nothing's going on between them. it's just that they... theygot into the car together. she doesn't have sex every timeshe gets into somebody's car. she's been in my car a lot. dude, think about it. ♪ holding it down ♪ dr. g’s humping my breezy.
♪ never let me downlike this before ♪ how long have you beenhumping this breezy? a few days... well,probably about five weeks. am i just a schmuck to you? why didn't you tell me? she's my student,and she's a kid. and now you're vampingout like it's 1399? yeah, pretty much. hey, could youvamp out right now?
i'm not gonna doit in your office. let me just throw this out there. ohh. besides mary, um... howmany people have you killed? no one. i never asked you tohelp me kill people. oh, god. i am so happy tohear you say that. i was sweating thatbig-time, i'm telling you. that is a load off my mind.
wow! okay. except, you know, uh, but, then,why did you want to vamp out in the first place? i thought it'dmake me feel better. i didn't think about the killing. now, don't get me wrong... backduring the renaissance, i used to drain fools for walking funny. but, then, when i met mary, thenshe made me feel different. all right.
you don't want to kill anyone. you don't want toplay in the nfl. so, what now? well... well, we're justtrying to make me feel better? well, at some point, you're justgonna have to let her go, right? i mean, look at you. you're vamping out. you've got a girl that makes you feellike you haven't felt in 300 years. that's all good.
do you know why i feel that way? because when i'm with chris, ihave these moments, these... these fleeting moments likemary's still alive, like i never killed her. then the moment's gone,and she's still dead. "i waked, she fled, and daybrought back my night." what am i doing with a19-year-old lolita? a lot less than i would. listen, she'sbrought you this far.
just give her a chance. hey, stranger. it's been a while. so much has happened lately. how does somethinglike that just happen? well, like, one time, when i wasin his office, i-i took off my coat, and... i wasnaked underneath. why are you telling me this? because you're like the only personi can talk to about this stuff.
another time, we were in hisoffice, and we were, like, being intimate and stuff...you were having sex. yeah. well, like, the whole time,all i could think about was you. no, no. i mean, no, no. it's... it's not like that. i mean, i don't... i don'tthink about you that way. i don't think aboutyou that way, either. that was just muscle memory.
from what? other stuff. look... i just thought that... that college would bedifferent, you know? like, we'd hang out and get wasted...stuff like that. i could just be a student and not have crazy good sexwith my professor. what do i do, fred? you need to dump his ass... andquick, before you change your mind.
♪ once i'm dead ♪ ♪ you can tell me everything ♪ dude, come here. just come over here. check this out. oh. that's chris. when she was with dr. g. yeah, thanks forbringing that up. no, look.
there's chris, there's dr. g’sumbrella, and no dr. g! oh, my gosh. tom, i know... now you canphotoshop me in there and make me feel like a bigger idiot. dude, i didn't photoshop it. whatever. i got a quiz on this, so if you cankeep it down, i'd appreciate it. there's the umbrella. there's chris.
where's dr. g? dude, i am not that good. i'm not that good. exhibit "c"... there's chris, there's the umbrella,and where's dr. g? why would dr. g not show up? shh! but your hair is a little bitdarker than how she kept it at the time, but it was cutoff just below the neck.
marilyn was 5'5" when she wasn'tslouching, and jack was 6'2". so she liked to wear highheels when she visited him at the oval office 'cause she likedto look at him in the eyes. but the affair madejack uncomfortable. he loved his wife. marilyn was just a distraction, something to take hismind off castro. you okay, tom? need some water?
yeah, i just got a cough. the days are getting shorter. you better hurry. why... becausethe sun might set? i swear, you're like awerewolf or something. and we still are gonna meet atthe tower theater tomorrow? if it's another woody allenmovie, you should go by yourself. i'm just sick of all thesestupid old-person dates. i mean, why can't we go outat night, like normal people?
i'm not a normal person. ohh, god! you're just like my mom! you think you'rebetter than everyone. you know... sometimes,when we're having sex, i think of other people. i think of someoneelse every time. mary, you're probably rollingover in your grave right now. yeah, like i give ashit what she thinks.
and she's not dead. my mom's not dead. you said she's probablyrolling over in her grave. i said mary is probably rollingover in her grave right now. are you a moron? she's not dead. you only say thatwhen people are dead. your mother's name is mary? you knew that.
no. i would nothave forgotten that. well, that's her name. don't wear it out. what's her maiden name? why the hell do you care? because i care! it's lipinsky. are you okay? oh, my god.
what's wrong with your face?! i thought i lost you, mary. what? oh! oh! holy shit! you're a werewolf, for real?! i'm a badass. wayne, no! oh, god! mary?
chris! oh, she's still... oh, shit! shit! shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! okay. whew, whew, whew! that was a bad one. whew! okay. ♪ oh-oh ♪ ♪ oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ doo-ooh ♪ ♪ tell santa igave you my heart ♪ ♪ but don't tell himyou threw it away ♪ hello. hi. is mary here? uh, she went to a movie. probably woody allen. how do i know you again? just from around the town.
does she have amazing skin? that's... that's aweird question. do you have a photograph of her? my wife doesn't liketo be photographed. right. right, sorry. this belongs to her. whoo-hoo-hoo! oh, shit! ♪ told it to the angel,now we're worlds apart ♪
♪ now... ♪ wait. you thought chris wasdead, but she's still alive. mary, who is dead, isat a woody allen movie? she must have been in a... ina coma when they buried her. i mean, people didn't checkfor pulses back then. but if her mother was avampire, wouldn't chris have been born a vampire? no, it doesn't work that way. it's like herpes.
a mother can have it, but thatdoesn't mean a child will. so, you have to bring the person tothe edge of death, and then stop? what... to turn them into a vampire?no, no. you just have to drink abouta pint of their blood. that's it? that's how much igive when i donate. does your bite have venom,like in "twilight"? no. people get all theseridiculous ideas. it's not about the bite... it's
the drinking of theblood that does it. that's so simple,it's almost stupid. yeah. i could slit yourwrist, drain it into a glass, and drink it... tomorrow,you'd be a vampire. i'm game. i really wish i didn'tturn chris into a vampire. i just don't know howthis is gonna play out. oh, like a fairy tale, my friend...like a fairy tale that never ends. just the same, i'd betterbe there when she wakes up.
terrific. i'll go with you. chris? oh, shit. dvvvt! what's worse... he steals yourgirl or steals your girl, then turns her into a vampire? you know, both scenarios suck. lucky for me, vampires don'texist, so i only have to worry about the first one.
how much evidence do you need? dr. g, what are you doinghere at this ungodly hour? it's 9:30. the witching hour. well, can we get anything foryou, perhaps something to drink? uh, no thanks. i'm actually looking forchris, uh, chris keller. yeah. we know her last name. some of us used to take bathswith her when we were little.
well, t-this is important. have you triedlooking in your car? i know she spends a lotof time in there lately. please, if you have any information...the lambda sigs are having a bonfire up the canyon. why do you need her? i-i just need to find her. you still don't thinkhe's a vampire? just a big, fat,stupid son of a bitch.
you have to meet ludmila. ♪ please don't get meeverything i want ♪ ♪ i want to want some things ♪ ♪ and if you were to give meeverything, i hope you'd make it hard for me ♪ sorry about this, buddy. ♪ ambush, ambush, ambush,ambush, ambush, ambush ♪ ♪ ambush, ambush, ambush,ambush, ambush ♪ ♪ gather all my folk who'sall together, rally 'round ♪
hello, chris. ♪ listen to the drummer... ♪ oh, don't you know how to knock? how many people have you killed? he makes 29. ♪ all my folk who's alltogether, rally 'round ♪ ♪ listen to the drummer talking ♪ chris, we need to talk. what's there to talk about?
you're a vampire now. uh-huh. and, uh... wow, really? i mean, 29? i need to teach youcertain rules. like what? well, how to style your hairwithout a mirror, how not to blow up in the sun, how to notleave people alive, or they're gonna turn into vampires!
then why did youleave me alive, huh? because i nevermeant to hurt you. look, we need to talkabout alternatives here. well, like... likedrinking animal blood. but you didn't get my note? yeah. i tried thatshit in your fridge. you get used to it. just because you're a weak-assvampire doesn't mean i have to be. look, i know this is allvery, very new to you.
it's probably very difficult. you know, it'sactually kind of easy. well, help me clean this up, andthen we can talk about this. clean it up yourself. ♪ this woman mean,an aggravated teen ♪ ♪ got you running scared ♪ damn, it feels goodto be a gangsta. ♪ ...shook by guerrillatactics, ambush ♪ ♪ you can say you been hit now ♪
♪ listen to the drummertalking, listen to the sound ♪ ♪ ambush ♪ ♪ mary, i can't wait ♪ ♪ to hold you in my arms ♪ ♪ i always knew ♪ ♪ this day would come ♪ want to catch a movie? ♪ now we're sitting here,in lives we can't deny ♪ mary! whoa!
your toast is burnt. ♪ mary, i said i love you ♪ i want a divorce. ♪ i hope you feel the same ♪ i deserve a smoothy. ♪ there's just something... ♪ i killed a priest whenhe said i had no soul. i killed a football playerwho had feelings for me. ♪ mary, hold me close ♪
you really couldn't growyour teeth without me? well, okay, well,i-i said i couldn't. but then the funniestthing happened to me. okay, so... okay, not "haha" funny, more of a, um, like, "that's interesting"kind of funny, you know? so, you know your daughter chris? yeah.yeah. how do you... howdo you know her? well, just from school.
but you know how you twolook exactly alike? we're practically twins. yeah. yeah. so, anyway, uh, she mademy teeth grow long. and then we had sexa bunch of times. um, but i am not in love with her,and we were about to break up. also, uh, i turned her into avampire, and she killed about 29 people so far. i thought of you every time.
you have to get out of here. mary. go away. go away! ♪ to hold you in my arms ♪ ♪ i always knew thisday would come ♪ ♪ and now we're sitting here,in lives we can't rely on ♪ they prefer to makelove in the daytime. it calms their fear of the sun.
after climax,i always take a sketch. what? what's wrong? you don't like sex? no, i'd probably love sex. i just... i don't see howhearing about your multiple partners is gonna help us out. there is over 1,000sketches in this book. if he has ballsac... he's in there. ball sac?
what... what about him? did you make love to him? no, not this one... andgod knows i tried. i met him in coney island, 1986. he said he loved oncebefore and that was enough. he got me a corn dog. what was his name? he never said, but hisnickname i remember. what was it?
the great one. let's go. i've got an appointment withher, but i'll meet you out... meet you out there. take this and put it on there. are you sure? oh, hey, bitch faces,where is everybody? i think they went bowling. lame.
is this absinthe? you do not even knowwhat you're missing. none of you do. i've got something thatwill blow you mind. what is it? come in here. where's your whip,sexified bitch? are you trying to be,like, all lesbian on me? just come here.
do you want to do body shots? shh. ooh. oh, chris, i'm so gladyou roll this way. mm. me too. ugh! aah! oh, my god! ta-da! you'll thank me tomorrow.
yeah, that looks good. come on. nothing. why did you have totell her about chris? i mean you had to, right? damn it. all those hours of therapy, and now we're right backto the drawing board. your hands are prune-y.
that seems odd happeningto a vampire. so, is, uh, 29 a lot? yeah, it's a lot. what... you don't think that's a lot?well, i don't know. there was a guy in toulouse.he killed 19 his first night. he's what they call anosferatu puternic. what's that? it's romanian for"super vampire." these guys arecold-blooded murderers.
they kill way morethan they can drink. is he still alive? he fell asleep in the sun. you have to kill her, don't you? are you crazy? i thought we werehere to kill him. dude, the sunlight will kill him. and this way, if... if he's nota vampire, we won't go to jail. what the hell?
for the last five weeks, you've beensaying you're positive he's a vampire. and i am, but this way, idon't have to be positive. ♪ thou shalt break them ♪ ♪ thou shalt break them ♪ yo, dr. g. you played me like a bitch! like a bitch! you stole my girl. i don't know whatyou're talking about.
and we got a picture to prove it.you have a photograph of me? yeah, come aroundthe desk and see it. well, show it to me. i'm too tired to come over. ♪ thou shalt dash themin pieces, in pieces ♪ it's empty. we bounced sunlighton your vampire ass! how you like me now, huh? huh?! he didn't die, you asshole!
i don't have time for this! that's hickory, you moron. oh, that's such bullshit! ♪ thou shalt break themwith a rod of iron ♪ you guys are really easyto fight, so stop, okay? let's just talk. just promise not tobite my best friend. please, please, please, pl...i'm not going to. i couldn't, anyway... notwith everything that's going
on in my personal life. why don't you guys take a seat? i don't want to sitdown in your sex chair. well, just lean againstsomething, then, okay? what if i just want to stand up? fine. whatever. what i'm trying to say is thatwhat i have to tell you guys is gonna be a little bit difficultto take standing up. really? more difficult thanfinding out that your most
favorite teacher ever is avampire and he had a bunch of "crazy good sex"with your soul mate? it gets worse. what... you killed her?! i turned her into a vampire. and now we have to kill her. bastard! i know. i know. i'm a bastard.
i'm a son of a bitchand just a big dick. you know, i didn't mean forany of this stuff to happen. but she's out of control...and i have to stop her. how? i don't know yet. let us help you. you guys suck. dude, she's really pretty and everything, but shewasn't that into you.
and... and now she'sa demon from hell! i said you suck! tell us what to do. so, why does it have to be ash? why does the sun make me explode? i mean, why am i stillallergic to peanuts? so, after we kill chris, dowe get to kill you, too? well, i guess iwouldn't blame you. 'cause you're still a vampire.
yeah, fred, but he's different. "different" as in he likes to have sex withteenage girls and turn them into vampires? well, i guess i'm different becausei don't like to kill people. yeah, just yourex-girlfriends. turns out. you've been oneway longer than her. shouldn't you beway more powerful? yeah. why can't youfight her by yourself? it's because i'm impotent.
vampires fightwith their wieners? i assure you i can holda gigantic erection. um, i can maintain an erection. what i mean by "impotent"is that i can't vamp out. i can't... can't grow my teeth. why not? is it because you're a dick? it's a long story. but even if i could vamp out,she's way stronger than me.
i saw her strength that firstnight, and she's just learning. figures. you would be a weak-ass vampire. i'm not weak...she's stronger. so, do vampires do everythingin horseshit and snow? yeah, tom. yeah, everything we do isin horseshit and snow. you got that from thevampire book, i guess. just saying.
it's the only place in the shade. what do you want? okay, i'm gonna be holding herdown because that's gonna be the hardest part. here. i want you to hold thestake into place and just lean into it a little bit. 'cause i'm heavy? just to help, all right? fred, get ready withthe sledgehammer.
hey, hold it rightover her heart, okay? dude, do not smash my fingers. all right, fred, yougot to hit it hard. vampire bone is very dense. we only got one shot at this. you nail that bitchto the ground. she's my bitch, you big dick. how the hell do iget out of here?! you big dick and yourbig, fat dickhead fence!
i hate you! ♪ i'm holding that against you ♪ dude, if you do that during thereal one, it's gonna suck so bad. this is hard on all of us, fred. that's easy for you to say. ♪ together ♪ she was supposed to be my breezy. ♪ we're so far apart ♪ the blood drive is mandatory.
we're going to have itat the std boys' house. where's chris? she's supposed to be here. how are they gonna have ablood drive at our house? they're going to parka trailer in front. it's got everything they need. we just need to supply all therefreshments for the donors, okay? oh, i just got the chills. where have you guys been?
oh, well, we just, uh, killed agas station attendant, and we had to cover it up. oh, that's funny. oh, it was. meeting adjourned, bitches. now, who wants to be a vampire? come on. don't be shy. well, the rest of you are dinner. let's get out of here, fred.
dr. g! dr. g, oh, my god! i've been lookingeverywhere for you guys. fred wanted to tryto talk to chris. did you? what did you do to her? she's turning hersorority into vampires! only half of them. they're gonna eat the rest.
we're gonna need help. who's gonna help us? huh? hello, wayne. hi, mary. i-i was just noticing howbeautiful your flowers are. they're mums. well, your mum hasexcellent taste. ♪ here we are again ♪
♪ dancing through... ♪ how do you know fred green? uh, he's, uh, helping us withthe logistics on... how we're going to kill chris. she's turned her sororitysisters into vampires. and she's strong. she's really strong. why did you do this to her? you know the funniestthings happen in life.
this is not one of them,though, as you know. i messed up pretty bad. why did you bury me? i didn't know. i need your help, mary. is fred a vampire now? no. no, no, no. he's just helping us out. he'll be killed.
well, we're workingon a game plan. i won't help youkill my daughter. i can't do that. yeah, i figured as much. if i could just have your blessing...well... wish me luck. probably die. i was hungry, so i had to stopfor a burrito at "chipotel." i'm almost there, all right? dude, it's pronounced both ways.
mom? hi, tom. so, i guess it'ssupposed to rain today. i wish i had the foresight tohave bring my umbr-r-r-ella. so... ah, yeah. i see you guys allgot yours open. mm. just preserving our skin. ooh, very smart. so, what do i do with it today?
- what is...- oh, this is for the blooddrive at your house. didn't you know about it? yeah. i guess i just assumedit was canceled, 'cause... why would it be canceled? weather. this is for skin cancer. so sorry. hey, don't let fred come. i-i'm like 100% positivehe has a heart murmur.
but you should come. i see how it is. well, i guess i'vegot to go to class. - if you'll excuse me...- thank you. you know, if someone wouldhave told me four months ago that, by the end of thesemester, i'd be plotting to kill my... true love 'cause she'sa psychotic vampire, i would have been like... "no way." but now that we're actually doing it and...i just look back
on that imagined scenario, andi-i just want to grab myself and i want to say,"listen to this guy. he knows exactly whathe's talking about." son of a bitch! damn! i'm sorry about that. tom, hey, you look likeyou've seen a ghost. more like a bunch of vampiresthat are trying to kill me and my fraternity.
a blood drive? they're still having it? yeah, and they're out,passing out flyers. and chris said you couldn't come'cause you have a heart murmur. i don't have a heart murmur. then she's a liar and a vampire. why doesn't she want me there? this... that doesn'tchange anything, okay? this just lets us knowwhere they're gonna be.
now, let's put onour thinking caps. bury me good. you wanted to see me? ah. chris invited me to the blooddrive, and i told her that i couldn't make it. but then i got to thinking...how selfish of me. is this your blood? i hope it's enough.
um, i actually feela little faint. um, could you seethat chris gets this? i'm sure she'll knowwhat to do with it. sure thing. well, um, i think, uh, i think i'llturn in a little early tonight. you're gonna sleep in here? you have no idea howcomfy this thing is. don't drink and drive. you almost done?
all done. we got to hurry. the salon closesearlier on fridays. hey, tweedle-dumbasses,what is this? uh, it's our new coat rack. why the hell do the hooks goall the way to the floor? just in case alittle kid comes over. kids aren't allowed here. clean this shit upbefore the party.
♪ resistance is futile ♪ wait a second. aah! jared! jared! ow. ♪ and i am gonnadrink your blood ♪ we're here to set up. fred... i didn'tthink you'd be here. well, i guess a lot of thingshappen that you'd never, in your wildest dreams, wouldthink would happen. kappa hos!
what's up, ladies. well, hello, kyle. sweet. you guys all look like hookers. all right, we got to go. so... you won't be here? well, then, do youwant me to be here? well, i guess it doesn'tmatter either way. so it's like that, then?
we'd best skedaddle. so, excuse us. friends, family, ludmila...take a good look at me now because this could be thelast time you see me alive. just know that i love youand i did it for you. and to the kappa o’s...buckle up, bitches. we 'bout to rideyour asses to hell. ♪ ah ♪ ♪ ah-ah ♪
hey, are you guys doneplaying grab-ass? almost. and what the hell is this? dude, it is what it is. you guys need to come upstairs. the kitchen looks disgusting. maybe if you play your cardsright and clean up your room, you'll get laid tonight...♪ i'm fixing to hit you ♪ by girls this time.
♪ i'm fixing to hit you ♪ mary, please help me kill her. it's out of the question. hey, i'm gettinganother call here. hold on. what's up? hey, yeah, fred's being reallyanal right now, but we'll be there fairly soon. hey, i got to go.
but if you change your mind,there will be a bunch of people murdering each otherat 1637 benton. so... bye. ♪ da-da-da-da-dada-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪ so, she doesn't care eitherway, but, at first, she wasn't gonna kill me, but nowshe's gonna kill me? dude, she was alwaysgonna kill you. she just wanted you for herself,and then she was like, "oh", "whatever," you know?
fred, it's not you. get down! go tell the girls it's time. but we're gonna be here allnight, so don't get caught. where'd mel go? i know. this is getting lame! dude, ease up. they said blood drive outside...party on the inside.
who cares? let's just go out there. no, i'm not gonna run aroundlike fricking a.c. slater. dudes, the bitches aren't coming! ♪ i ♪ ♪ i went to the beach ♪ ♪ the bitch was so hot ♪ ♪ she came to me and said ♪ ♪ do you like thebeach, bitch? ♪
sweet.how do i look? were we supposedto get dressed up? oh! ugh! hello, ladies. you're all wearing dracula teeth. no shit. how do they stay in so good? same as yours, dickface. hey, come upstairs with me.
i got something iwant to show you. mm. i'd love to, but carly'salready got dibs on you. is that gonna be a problem? oh, hells, no. raise your hand if you wantto make out with a vampire. me, me, me. oh! me, me, me. okay, check it out. look, you're gonna takethis girl right here.
go upstairs and make love to her. don't have sex... make love. and, look, you, buddy, come on,take this girl right here. um. no, you're a douche bag. all right, i'll open thewindow from upstairs. can you fly up there? i may be king shit, buti'm not super king shit. i'll climb up. are we ready to do this?
are you ready pound a stake throughthe chest of your one true love? why you got to say it like that? hey, hey, hey. tom's trying to get you in theright frame of mind, okay? we can't afford anyhesitations tonight. we put in the hours to do this,and then, like, you're... you're upset, but takeit out on yours... i'll do what needs to be done. well, let's hope no onelands there now, i guess.
say, chris, what's the big idea? i hate being tripped. sorry, no girls inside tonight. i saw kappa o girlsgoing in there. yeah, it's a kappa o/std party. aren't they all? too bad you just died. ♪ the bitch said, "yeah" ♪ ♪ the bitch said, "yeah,yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah" ♪
♪ the bitch said, "yeah" ♪ ♪ the bitch said ♪ ♪ oh, yeah ♪ ♪ hell, yeah ♪ ♪ damn, yeah ♪ dude, jared, i thought you saidthere'd be plenty to go around. yeah, i did, andthere will be, bro. good, 'cause you totallyscrewed me over. no, listen.
i'm gonna take care of you, okay? i didn't even giveanything to myself. that's how leader i am. where are they? what? oh, look at the douche bags, all douched upfor the douche ball. where are the kappa o’s? dude, they're gonnaget with all of us. yeah, and maybe if you guyssit down and quit working on
your eagle project, you'llget some action, too. you guys are so stupid! they're vampires, okay? and they're gonna kill us! yeah, it's super hot, man. where's kyle? he's upstairs,banging one right now. no, don't go up there, dude. you're salting his game!
what the hell is that? it's a barricade, jackass. ♪ calling me highon the telephone ♪ ♪ came by plane all alone ♪ all right, no one leaves untilevery vampires is dead. ♪ ...tell it's not enough ♪ ♪ come and... ♪ ♪ kyle, are you in there? open up!
dude, i'm kind of busy. dude, she's gonna kill you! you can be next. wait. that's jacked up. tom! ♪ you knew my ideas whenthey were in my head ♪ ♪ they were my secretevening plans ♪ all right, aim for the heartand use something heavy. dude, i don't care if youdon't want to get some, but
don't ruin it for therest of us, all right? dude, tom, kyle's up thereright now with one of them. we got to go save him. hey, bro, just out of curiosity,just let me know... are you gay? that doesn't change this, but justlet me know right now, all right? dude, i am gonnapunch your dick, okay?! there are vampire girls in thishouse, and they're gonna kill us! if any of them come back downbefore we're back, hold them down and do what you have to do.
that's what i'm talking about! bam! wait. wait, wait. when should i take my pants off? after i leave. aah! mnh! kyle! oh! oh, okay, we're starting. we're starting.
hey, vampire skank...bet you can't catch me. i bet i can. better double-check. wait! bite me instead. why... 'cause your jugularvein's easier to find? what do you want me to do? dude, just tell me whatyou want me to do. do it!
does it hurt? it's official. we're murderers. murderers. murders get used to it. dude, don't look at me that way. she's my first kill... promise. so, how do youpreserve the blood? you're a veryinquisitive young lady.
well, i just think i might beinterested in running a blood drive some day. i mean, they probably have topee, but i doubt they ever have to take a dump, you know? hi, fred. um, hey, did you, uh, hearthat we're all just kind of making out with different guys? that's the word on the streets. it's really too bad thatchris called dibs on you.
i thought she didn'tcare either way. well, i guess it's just kissing. i'll make out with you...but it has to be on my bed. ♪ back in town ♪ can i watch? it's what we do. i like to watch. okay, crazy-ass. okay, well, just this way.
blood goes... pfft! so, should we juststart making out? well, why don't youlay down on the bed? and i will get on top of you. you've got this allplanned out, don't you? we have a system, and it works. i'm down. ♪ if you want to make out,you'd better come alone ♪ ♪ totally senseless i'mgonna drive you to ♪
straighten. ♪ when i'm ready todance with you ♪ what are you doing here? oh, um... just... justgetting my frisbee. do you play ultimate? ah, you know,neither does maggie. she feels pretty bad about it. see her? whoops-a-daisy!
whoa-oh! looking good. hey, you guys, get a room, huh? hey, don't kiss his neck. he's ticklish. i wasn't going to. now! dude, get off now. hey, side boob.
aah! geez! we haven't seen her. you scared me, dr. g. later, bitches. ♪ uh-huh, i like it ♪ ♪ uh-huh, i like it ♪ why do you hate me, god?! shh. hey. hey, stupids.
i saw what you didin the backyard. yeah, did you see whatwe did to samantha? no. did you seewhat we did to jared? he's right there. so, did you see him? ♪ come on over here ♪ get fred. kill tom. hickory. damn it! come on, tom.
it'll be a lot more funif you don't fight it. i hope you know thisis an automatic flunk. who is it? it's chris. open the door. hold it. there's a barricade. well, move it. hyah!aah!
♪ uh-huh, i... ♪ you're such a pervertwith your giant camera! you know, if it wasn't forthat, i probably would have asked you to winter formal. you would have? yeah. but now i'm goingto suck your blood. wait, wait, wait! wait! don't you want to knowwhat i would have said? what would you have said?
hells no, biznatch! mnh! writhe it out. sorry. i probably would have said yes. sorry, ladies. open it already! mrs. keller? fred green, is that you?
same thing as you. you came to help murder chris? oh, you found him. ♪ they're easy pickingsat the discotheque ♪ you dyed your hair. hey, look what fred did. pull it out, ho-bag. i wanted to show you guys first. ♪ and they never, ever check ♪
oh, cute. ♪ ...that i leave in the neck ♪ ♪ well, if they were wise... ♪ it's chris' mom. come get some, bitches. ♪ drac's back ♪ ♪ i want to suck your ♪ ♪ whoo ♪ ♪ dracula ♪
somebody throw me a stake!ah! ♪ i'm gonna wait for youon saturday night ♪ ♪ i'm gonna give your neck... ♪ ♪ ...a great, big bite ♪ come on, fred! do it! come on, stick it in her! i give up. i give up. wait. she's lying.
i know, but i'vegot a better idea. i didn't want it to go to waste. where's tom? let it happen. ♪ whoo ♪ she was in love with me. ♪ they're not hung over,they're just vampire who rest ♪ he's dead, dude. damn it!
guess who killed the nurselady and stole all the blood. why would she do that? she's a super vampire, andshe's gonna drink it all. what for? to turn all thedonors into vampires. what a bitch! mm, good... good bitch. we have to stop her, right? you don't have to do this, mary.
i think i do. we will look back in a fewcenturies, and we will laugh. but right now, this isreally, really sad. well, let's justget this over with. okeydokey. in here. chris, what are you doing? cutting this bloodwith some monster. mmm.
where did you get it? where do you think? i saw you drive bywhen i left the party. okay, chris, we have to talk. what do you want to talk about? why do you have all that blood? i'm making vampires. it's not rocket science. those people have lives.
yeah, and nowthey'll last forever. chris, you're areally evil vampire. i love killing people, and i lovemaking other people kill people. it's funny to me. oh, i'll slit my wrists. this is the most boring conversationi've ever had in my life. i'm sorry, chris. this is all my fault. aah! aah! aah!
tom? tom. g, she's biting me. mary, the stake, now! mary, do it! push it through. no, i can't. what a chickenshit! ah, good... good hit, fred.
i'm so sorry, chris. it's okay. i never would have killed youif you weren't a vampire. but i was gonna kill you... butnot before i gave you this. i made you a mix for your ipod. it's on that flash drive. you were gonna give methis and then kill me? i was gonna flip a coin. i'll listen to it when i jog.
wayne... you were the best i ever had. uh, thank you. mom. yeah, honey? you're not a chickenshit. unh. i had a dream we killed chris. holy shit, we killed chris.
she made me a mix. let's go check the fridge. i'm... i'm not hungry. oh, maybe something light, like ayogurt or something... parfait. there's nothing in herebut blood and monster. i guess i'll have a monster. hey, you want one? looks like we have tokill some vampires. how many?
that son of a gun. ♪ you think the birds are pretty ♪ ♪ and you sleep eighthours a night ♪ ♪ and i'm fog, out of the city,and still you stake it all ♪ ♪ and trains stop for youand so do the boys ♪ ♪ when you run your fingersthrough your hair ♪ ♪ but resistance is futile ♪ ♪ and i am gonnadrink your blood ♪ ♪ and i am gonna drink your blood ♪
♪ just breathe ♪ ♪ and mouth "goodbye" ♪ ♪ if you want, i'llgive you eternal life ♪ ♪ well, not so much life, buthave you ever seen a good zombie movie? ♪ ♪ well, like that, butyou'll be smarter ♪ ♪ and you'll stay 23 ♪ ♪ and i just want todrink your blood ♪
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